People Are Complicated: A Leader’s Guide to Staying Calm and Communicating Clearly Through Conflict
- Marcy Stoudt
- Aug 7
- 4 min read
Conflict is uncomfortable.
Even the most confident leaders feel the internal “shift” when a conversation takes a turn: the pause before responding, the worry about how it will land, the temptation to smooth it over just to keep the peace.
But here’s the problem: avoiding conflict doesn’t make it disappear.
Over the years, I’ve coached hundreds of leaders through moments like this. And I’ve lived them myself. I’ve learned that real leadership isn't about staying polished or perfect. It’s about showing up with clarity even when the situation feels messy. It’s about modeling communication that invites connection, not defensiveness.
It’s what I like to call leadership in real life. They’re tough feedback conversations, team tension that’s been bubbling under the surface, and moments where you know something has to be said, but you’re not sure how to say it.
Here’s the good news:
Difficult conversations don’t have to lead to drama. With the right approach, they can actually deepen trust, reveal assumptions, and realign your team.
Let’s talk about how.
Regulate First, Respond Second
When something feels off, our first instinct is to react, especially if we feel disrespected, blindsided, or disappointed. But here’s the truth: your nervous system isn’t great at strategy.
Take a breath. Take a break. Name what you're feeling before you say what you're thinking. Then step back into the conversation with your intention in check. Are you here to defend? Or are you here to understand and lead?
Start with Curiosity, Not Accusation
When we enter a conversation assuming bad intent, we almost always are greeted with defensive-ness in return. Instead, open the conversation with curiosity.
Here’s what I usually try:
“Can you help me understand what led to that decision?”
“I noticed something that felt off, can we talk about it?”
“From your perspective, what feels like the real issue here?”
You’ll be surprised how often what felt like conflict was actually confusion.
Be Clear, Not Harsh
There’s a myth that you have to choose between being kind and being direct. That’s false (a ground I stand firmly on!). In fact, clear feedback delivered with care is one of the kindest things you can offer someone who you want to see thrive in their career.
Don’t beat around the bush or drop hints. Say the thing.
Here are some ways to start the conversation:
“Here’s the impact I’m seeing, and I want us to find a better way forward.”
“My goal is to make sure we’re both successful in this…so I want to talk about what’s not working yet.”
Create Space for Their Response
A conversation isn’t a monologue. It’s a dialogue. If you want people to receive feedback, you have to give them space to process it.
Silence is not a sign that you need to fill the air. It’s a signal that something is landing. Give it a beat.
And I always ask:
“What’s your perspective?”
“How did that land for you?”
“What do you need from me as we move forward?”
Conflict ≠ Crisis
Conflict is inevitable. But how you handle it determines whether your team grows stronger or grows distant. When handled well, conflict can actually increase psychological safety, because it shows that you’re willing to be honest, to care enough to engage, and to work through tension with respect. Any time a difficult conversation comes up, I remind myself before going into it that conflict is not equal to crisis.
Why This Matters More Than Ever
In fast-moving workplaces, it’s tempting to move on instead of speak up. We avoid the conversation because we don’t want to hurt feelings, rock the boat, or risk being misunderstood. But over time, unspoken tension doesn’t go away…it will compound.
When leaders sidestep difficult conversations, teams start to feel unclear, underappreciated, or resentful. And what could have been a small, honest moment becomes a pattern of misalignment.
The truth is: unresolved conflict costs more than discomfort ever will.
At REVEL, we believe that leadership isn’t about always saying the perfect thing, it’s about having the courage to say the real thing.
And that starts with you.
Want help navigating a leadership challenge on your team? We’ve got you. Email us at hello@revelcoach.com to learn more about coaching programs and masterminds or to request a team workshop.
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Marcy Stoudt is a seasoned sales leader dedicated to shaping the future of talent acquisition and executive coaching. As the founder of Revel Search and Revel Coach, Marcy collaborates with corporate clients to develop innovative strategies for attracting, advancing, and retaining top-tier talent.
During her 22 years at Allegis Group, Marcy was TEKsystems's first female Vice President. She led a team of 300 producers and delivered four consecutive years of revenue results at 18% CAGR, averaging $320 million annually. While at MarketSource, she established the Customer Experience Strategy for the Target Mobile outsourced sales team at 1,540 Target locations, fostering executive-level relationships with Target and Apple.
The Revel Coach™ Blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only and is not mental health, financial, business or legal advice. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any medical, mental or emotional condition. The information presented here is not a guarantee that you will obtain any results or earn any money using our content.
