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Writer's pictureMarcy Stoudt

The Power of the I-Message

Revel Coach Mother and daughter

As a young manager, I quickly learned that navigating workplace conflicts required more than just authority; it required empathy and clarity.


The first time I pulled someone out of their job, I was just 23 years old, working in Reston, Virginia. The team member wasn't meeting revenue targets and was complaining instead of leading. Their negative attitude was demotivating the team and taking away opportunities from others. Confronting my peer was stressful, but something had to change.


Mom's advice came to the rescue. She taught me a simple yet powerful approach she used as an elementary school teacher: The "I-Message."


She explained, "It's about being clear and compassionate. Let them know how their actions affected the team and why this step is necessary."


The "I-message" helps people express feelings and needs without assigning blame.


The I-Message Approach:


1. State the Feeling: "I feel [emotion]"

2. Describe the Situation: "When [specific behavior/situation]"

3. Explain the Impact: "Because [reason/impact]"

4. Make a Request: "I need/would like [desired outcome]"


Her advice helped me approach my new role as a leader with compassion.


Rather than saying: You never meet deadlines

I chose to say: I feel frustrated when deadlines are missed because they impact our project timelines. I would like us to discuss ensuring deadlines are met moving forward.


It was a message with both compassion and impact, stating how I felt and what I wanted to happen while opening the door for a constructive conversation.  


Though my mom is no longer with me, her lessons in clear and compassionate communication continue to guide me. It's a testament to her enduring wisdom, reminding me that effective communication can bridge the gap between understanding and resolution.


 

For more on the "I-Message" Approach, read Thomas Gordon's book Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.).


 

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Marcy Stoudt is a seasoned sales leader dedicated to shaping the future of talent acquisition and executive coaching. As the founder of Revel Search and Revel Coach, Marcy collaborates with corporate clients to develop innovative strategies for attracting, advancing, and retaining top-tier talent.


During her 22 years at Allegis Group, Marcy was TEKsystems's first female Vice President. She led a team of 300 producers and delivered four consecutive years of revenue results at 18% CAGR, averaging $320 million annually. While at MarketSource, she established the Customer Experience Strategy for the Target Mobile outsourced sales team at 1,540 Target locations, fostering executive-level relationships with Target and Apple.



The Revel Coachâ„¢ Blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only and is not mental health, financial, business or legal advice. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any medical, mental or emotional condition. The information presented here is not a guarantee that you will obtain any results or earn any money using our content.

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